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The closest MIC ever got to a full-on Patrick Bateman character was George Amor, the steely-jawed polo player who looks like he’d happily choke the life out of you with his bare hands. Looking and sounding like they’d rather be chinning pints of Carling in an inner-city Spoons, Fordy and his pal didn’t quite nail the Made In Chelsea, King’s Road, Bloody-Marys-at-brunch aesthetic. To be fair, we’re not sure if Sophie Hermann was ever an actual character, or whether she was an animatronic robot built for the sole purpose of blankly chortling at Mark-Francis and Victoria’s quips.Lauren Hutton was arguably the woman who held Spencer Matthews down for the longest, which is no mean feat.I told the show that I wanted to cut it and they nearly had a seizure." There will be no shortage of people ready to snigger at this sort of banal prose – the same people who derided Made in Chelsea when it first aired – but the programme and Locke have proved irritatingly compelling. “It was very, very hard and a lot of the time it involved a lot of wine. without sounding like an idiot,” he concludes, recognising how laughable he sounds.

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As anyone who admits to seeing an episode will testify, many of the characters are not immediately likeable and appear to spend their days doing… An awful lot of sitting around in bars and cafes on the King’s Road goes on, the awkward silences only broken when someone says, “Beaut, really beaut” to which the response is inevitably, “Totes, babe, totes.” It’s not exactly the material upon which bestsellers hinge.

Locke, to his credit, had the foresight to realise this when writing his book and has eschewed the tedious "life-was-a-misery-until-I-got-averagely-famous" formula championed by the likes of Kerry Katona.

And with a fake tan that could blind a man at 30 yards, surely someone must have seen him. It’s the morning after the launch party of his tell-all book, Laid in Chelsea, and when we finally do catch up 24 hours later, it all becomes clear: “Oh God, I think I’m still hungover,” he gushes.

“It was a complete write off yesterday.” And who can blame him for getting stuck into the vintage bubbly?

Existing mainly as a cautionary tale, you might also recognise Funda from Calvin Harris music videos or adverts for cosmetic surgery. Francis’ Lithuanian intern Agne Motiejunaite will be a familiar face for diehard fans, but that didn’t stop her getting the chop at the end of the first season. Now more famous for being the daughter of “Sir Shifty” Philip Green, Topshop heiress Chloe Green had a brief stint on the show as Ollie Locke’s girlfriend. Although she wins extra points for having the best name out of anyone on MIC ever, Gabilicious loses all of those points for having absolutely no discernible effect on any plotline of any episode she appeared in. Was Kimberley Gardner the most objectified cast member in MIC history?

Another of the Made In Chelsea old guard who ended up being pretty useless, the entire series kicked off with a party thrown by Amber for her new jewellery line. The fact she was introduced with literally just a lingering shot of her arse suggests so. Introduced as part of a trio to rival the “lost boys” of old, he fell by the wayside to charming Andy Jordan and cheeky Stevie Johnson.Then again, she’s no Caggie or Louise or Lucy, and she didn’t really add much to the whole equation.She’s allegedly dated Leonardo Di Caprio since, though, so she probably doesn’t give a shit what you think.Then again, you might remember him because he has a stupid fucking name which is quite hard to forget. I sort of remember there being an Emma in Spencer’s life. ” She was both blonde and American, so you’d be forgiven for thinking this was Steph Pratt, but nope.She’s called Tallulah, and we literally can’t remember a single thing she got up to on the show.Ollie Locke, the Made in Chelsea star, really shouldn’t be this hard to track down.

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